Hey Reader,
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When I first learned that “resentment” was a huge relationship killer, I made it my goal learn how to protect against resentment arising in my relationship with my partner.

If you’re like me, you have people in your life that you care about deeply. And you want to do what you can to help each other feel safe and cared for.

Luckily, the skills it takes to help each other feel cared for are the same ones that protect against resentment.

Sometimes people feel resentment for their partners because they feel like they’re doing a lot of work/putting in a lot of effort at work, at home, or otherwise, AND that effort doesn’t feel recognized or appreciated.

Imagine you spent a few hours tidying up things with the small amount of free time you had (which you could have otherwise chosen to relax in, all so you and your partner would have a nice clean place to exist in, and at the end of the day, when your partner is at home, they’re tired too, and are wanting to rest. They don’t look around or notice that anything has changed. They don’t see the work it took for them to have the space to relax (also known as invisible labor).

Imagine this happens for weeks, months, or years, where a partner puts in effort with the limited energy they have, without getting acknowledged or appreciated for all they’re giving, at the expense of their own rest.

Once their giving becomes “expected” and “unappreciated” by the other person, that’s a recipe for resentment.

(I know I’m giving a domestic example here, but this applies to any relationship dynamic where one partner feels like how much they are “giving” to a relationship has been either taken for granted or unrecognized. )

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So what can we do about it?

I talked about this with my partner, and once Bradley and I mutually saw the potential for resentment build up (on either side), we chose to do a few things…

First, we make an intentional point to acknowledge and thank the other person when we notice they’ve done something at home, or for the bills, or for maintaining relationships/communication with our friends and family.

It’s not about whether the other person “should” do things around the house, or “should” do the bare minimum of x y z. We try to focus instead on the fact that anytime the other person does something, they are lifting some weight that would otherwise have to be carried by the other person. And we know that neither of us can carry everything, and that we need each other’s help.

I don’t know about you, but for us, the more we appreciate each other’s efforts, the better it feels to contribute.

So we try to self-assess how much we feel we’re able to help and carry, and then do what we can. (While also acknowledging and appreciating what the other person is doing.)

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What does this look like in practice? 3 things.

This looks like saying a sincere thank you whenever we notice what the other person has done, not because we “should” say thank you, but because we see how saying thank you can help the other person feel supported after they’ve given their energy to benefit both of us.

The thank you is a recognition that the other person is helping both of us keep up with life (which is inherently hard to keep up with.)

This also looks like supporting yourself internally and externally by giving yourself credit for what you do, AND updating the other person on what you accomplished, so you can celebrate each other.

For example, Brad and I will tell each other what we did each day, and celebrate what we both achieved, no matter how small. This week, I celebrated Brad for ordering address labels and going to the grocery store, and he celebrated me for doing the dishes and collecting addresses of friends and family (we’re preparing to send out save the dates for our wedding together!)

It might sound silly to some to be celebrating such small things. But imagine how good it would feel to experience genuine appreciation for all the things you do to manage your life together. It’s a whole different world from doing everything you can and never been seen or acknowledged.

It also looks like negotiating with the other person how we’ll get caught up when we fall behind, like “Hey, I noticed the laundry is starting to pile up, I’m going to start a load before I leave this morning, would you mind flipping it and starting a second load after I leave? We can tackle the folding together later.”

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We have conversations like this daily.

And as a result, I frequently get comments like “you two have such good communication”, and “I can tell that you’ve really put some effort and work into your relationship”.

When a friend asked, “Why do you think you and Brad have such a good relationship?”

I said, “We try not to leave room for resentment.”

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Which ultimately just boils down to an attitude of ...

“We’re in this together in an ongoing exchange of energy and effort.”

“We appreciate one another openly and verbally”

and “We will both do what we can, and when we can’t, we will ask for help.”

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What do you think? If you liked this email, please consider forwarding it to someone you care about <3

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Much love,

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Morgan

Is there a relationship in your life you'd love to feel more supported in? I'm passionate about supportive communication, and often help my clients find "what to say" to improve their interactions and heal their relationships with people they care about.

If you'd be interested in getting closer to someone you love, consider setting up a consultation with me to start mapping a path to making that happen for you!

And for more writing like this from me, come say hi on instagram <3​

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